Somewhere between summer and autumn, sneaking out of the house at night became sneaking out of the country and across the Atlantic for a weekend.
Recommence the “I can’t tell whose arm is around me when it’s dark” situations. Boyfriend or best friend!? I touch both of them a lot.
This weekend edition
Book your flights here, because I don’t want to have to think there might be a period of time in which we have nothing planned. It would be like saying goodbye at least for a while. Which I never want to do again. Ever.
Everything you say to me is so honest, and I don’t think you realise how beautiful that is.
I claim that people leave, it’s just what they do, but what I really mean is that it’s what I do.
I’ve been so fixated on people leaving that I never noticed how it’s actually the other way around. I always get out first, that way I won’t the one left behind. I don’t even know when it started or who/what was the catalyst.
Especially with men though. I’m afraid that they’ll lose interest so I make sure to always care about whomever I’m dating less than however much they care for me. Never on purpose, and I never meant to hurt anyone. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am actually an unintentionally terrible person.
Let’s look at the past two years:
- Taylor the Artist recognised my lack of emotional investment and sent me a message about how I’m too much of a bitch for him after I actively avoided talking to him for a week.
- Trent was a part of the little group of friends I had at Fullerton my first year. We were really good friends, you know, the kind that hang out all the time. I tried to ignore the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. One night, he drunk-texted me and I rejected him. That was that.
- Hayden (gelato boy) - I never established it as a legitimate relationship because I didn’t want to feel “tied down”. Then I left Laguna after winter break and we became “friends”. Afterwards, we’d go out for drinks every other weekend at the hotel that doesn’t card. He’d call me just to talk. And all the while he kept trying to start things up again.
I liked him a lot as a person, and I tried to keep him as a friend, but that just made everything so fucked up because he clearly wasn’t over the winter holiday thing. I have no idea what’s going on in his life now.
He’s one of the most genuinely kind people I’ve ever met. He needed someone to restore his faith in women and I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to do that for him.
- Samuel the Musician was 24. He thought I was 19. He was actually a rather dull character, albeit impeccably dressed, and when I suspected that he was trying to ask me out, I told him I was 16. We don’t really talk anymore.
- Dmitri was smart enough to break it off when he realised that he was going to fall in love with me and I wouldn’t let myself do the same. He went back to Brown in the autumn and now we’re good friends. We actually are though. We’re very comfortable together, but it’s entirely platonic, and I consider him one of my closer friends.
- Taylor the Engineer was the exception. There was a point when I was the person he trusted the most, we talked daily and he said I knew him better than either his best friend or sister did. He actually called me out on my emotional deficiency and nothing ever really happened with us.
I was just a silly girl who thought she was in love, and he was a boy who wouldn’t admit to himself that he was still in love with the last girl.
- M@… he fucking told me that he loved me and then I broke up with him. Now that I think about it, I mainly dated him because I wanted to know what it was like to see someone steadily for more than two weeks. He cared about me so much. And I tried, honestly I did try, but I could never bring myself to feel the same. I waited and hoped that it would happen, and it never did, and I got bored instead.
That is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever done.
- JJ thought I was the universe’s way of telling him that he finally got it right. He met me on the same day that his ex broke his heart, and some of the best music he’s written is about me. But I never felt that “spark” so to speak. We’re “friends” now. There’s a large section of his wall collage dedicated to me. His ex-girlfriend of two years has two thirds, and me, the girl he’s known for 5 months - I have a third of that wall. And a third of the record collection on his other wall.
I’m hoping that he’ll eventually realise this isn’t going anywhere and we can be proper friends because I like his personality a lot and we get along so well.
There’s that whole “karma’s only a bitch if you are” saying, and well, yeah, that’s exactly my point. I’m entirely aware of the fact that this might one day catch up to me.
And then there’s Harrison. I genuinely care about him so much, I think love would be the most accurate term.
Remember the time when I literally cried myself to sleep for a week after he went back to London? And how I would spontaneously burst into tears for another week or so after that whenever I thought about him? And yesterday, when I was accidentally a bitch to him and he was acting indifferent toward me. He apologised, we both did, but then I ended up in tears in a corner of the bathroom anyway because it felt so real. Because his pretend-indifference made me think about how one day it might not be pretend.
I don’t know what will happen, I’m just afraid that he’ll either get over me, or I’ll end up breaking his heart. I’m a mess.
I just know that he makes me happy and that it’s mutual. I think we balance each other out perfectly. I might even become less cynical because of him.
And I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m starting to get things right.
Drunk messages from Harrison: “I love you” in (what he claims to be) 5 different (and legitimate) languages
Drunk messages from Allie: “Wow
So fri k
Feel Ba d mg from aged. Hzgdnggzmd
That made nonsense ok”
I’m going to see my boyfriend in 17 days.
The shape of your lips
and how they’re really red sometimes
The colour of your eyes
And the way you look at me when you say goodbye,
and other times too
The texture of your hair, the way it falls
Of course the muscle definition
The height difference
You’ll tell me the things on your mind if I ask enough
How you can jokingly say ridiculously cliché comments and compliments
but actually kind of mean them
You call me ‘babe’, but not too frequently, and not too seriously
The way everything feels light
Genuine interest in the sciences
Things involving intelligence and coordination come so easily to you
or at least more so than they do to other people
How well my head fits on your shoulder
Did you know I hate hand-holding?
But I enjoy it with you
Your contempt for self-righteous pricks
and people who fall into that general category
Actually respectable as a human being
How you overanalyse things
because I do it too
And yet nothing is overcomplicated
You’re often in control, or seem to be
A lot of girls check you out wherever you go (I’m not sure if you’ve noticed)
Just the right amount of talkativeness
You put up with my music
Harry Potter, Lord Of the Rings, Pokémon, cats
You’re always hot, temperature-wise and otherwise
I think you sometimes question how much I like you
and I wouldn’t advise you against it because doubt is part of awareness
and I do it too
but I’ll tell you however many times and in however many ways until you believe me
if you don’t already.
What if emotions were like colours. There is no purple, only red and blue, and green isn’t really there, it’s blue and yellow. There is no anxious, it would be 40% hope, 60% fear.
The primary emotions, like colours, would be the basics: happy, sad, hope, fear.
I wonder what love or bitterness is made of.
Love: 55% happy, 45%hope
Bitterness: 60% sad, 40%fear
Anger: 35%sad, 65% fear
Nostalgia: 60% happy, 35% sad, 5% hope