Long story short:
- Met this guy at Albertsons
- He was hot
- And he was also 5 years older than me, but I lied. So to him, I was 3 years younger
- I went over to his house where he made us pizza
- Never heard from him again
That Friday, I found his address (internet “research” skills) and wrote him a letter, which I brought to his house, but the main gate guard wouldn’t let me in.
A week later, I sent this guy a letter, asking him to contact me.
I never got a text/call/etc. so I went and found him on facebook and added him.
A few more weeks later, I get a text from an unrecognized number: “hello :)”
and I told them: “well i don’t know who this is, but i hope you’re having a nice day(:”
the response: “thank you and you too.”
I asked the anonymous person (a couple of times) who he/she was, but to no avail. So instead I texted that number from three of my friends’ phones asking who it was. And then he/she got creeped out and stopped replying.
Another few weeks later on facebook:
Me: so by the way, did you get my letter?
R.Raad: ya i found it like two weeks ago
R.Raad: i texted you..
Me: never got that
R.Raad: haha you did
R.Raad: but i didn’t tell you who it was..
-at that point, i was just thinking oh shit-
R.Raad: and then you insisted on texting me the next day from multiple numbers i believe
Me: oh sorry about that. i thought it was one of my friends so i decided to try and piss them off. hahah
-note that it was nervous laughter-
R.Raad: so that kinda made me feel that it wasn’t necessary to let you know who it was
Me: explain the reasoning behind that
R.Raad: well i was briefly overwhelmed, and i knew who it was, and i was like ‘f u’ basically
Me: it was only 3 numbers! but i’m sorry.
And this awkwardness is a norm for me.
I was really excited today when I pulled up to the clubhouse with the “Lifeguard on Duty” sign hanging from the gate, but upon walking out onto the pool deck, there was this little boy wearing red swimming trunks, sitting where the lifeguard should’ve been. Turns out he was sixteen, but still. Okay maybe I’m just a little bitter because he had skinnier legs than me. Whatever.
An hour or so later, we were all drowsily lounging around, looking about us and wondering if there was anything else to do. I glanced at the lifeguard for inspiration.
- Dipped a strawberry in chocolate,
- put it on a small paper plate,
- wrote my phone number in chocolate on the edge of the plate.
- It was a masterpiece.
As I handed him the plate with a look of “sexual implication” (but it probably just looked incredibly creepy) and walked away, he looked after me with the most puzzled expression on his face. The lifeguard child sat perplexedly in his lifeguard chair for a few seconds, then ate the strawberry and kept the plate.
I told him afterward that it was just a joke, so he wouldn’t actually try to call me.
So yes, Blair is right. And even if the lifeguard isn’t hot, he’s still worth some fun.
“‘Cause when two chicks get together, you get a dyke.”
“Ahh fuck. Where does the table go?”
“Here. I’ll hold it.”
“It’s my birthday, broseph.”
“It’s on fire!!! Put it out!”
“Oh I thought you were trying to take a nap.”
“He said he didn’t get an invite…WHAT!?”
“Have less kids and more fun.”
“Oh look at that thing! It’s evil!”
“I don’t know if you guys know this, but I am a scout right now, tryin’ to get my badge.”
“And as troop leader, I’m tellin’ you to step it up, man.”
“I’m gonna go get some marshmallows.”
“N-n-no! You can’t touch that or you won’t get your badge.”
“Ohhh double whammy! BAM BAM! Double drinks AND double s’mores!!”
“WHERE is this cardigan!?” “Don’t worry, I’m bringing it back!” “YES! I have to bone you later.”
“what’s a schmushsmoreshie?” “schushsmoreshie…” “…schushsmoreshie”
My back door is now closed so I can continue studying. Shit. I wish I lived their life! Rich, pretty girls who get to party that much!? Maybe someday.
- 1: Hey, how old are you?
- 2: Thirty-one.
- 1: Yeeeah! Thirty-one flavours of fun RIGHT HERE!